Okay, I'm back

I have taken a couple days off from my blog. I have to be honest and tell you that I did this because this entry is something very hard for me to talk about. I am filled with anxiety as I type. I know this will be therapeutic, but that doesn't make it any easier. I have lived with much loss in my life, but this is where it truly began. I guess I had better get started.

After my brother finished basic training in the Navy he was stationed in Louisiana. He started hanging around people who were not like him. He was most likely a bit naive. He joined them in some illegal activities and ended up in Angola state prison in Louisiana at 18 years old sentenced to 30 years. My mother was able to correspond with the governor there and managed to win his release 7 years later. That is when my story with him began.

When he came home to California he went right to work. He worked hard, got a good job, met a wonderful woman and got married. He seemed to have the perfect life. But he was not the same person he was when he left home. The years in prison had changed him and he had some demons. He was a very charismatic guy. Women were always very attracted to him and he thrived on that. His marriage eventually fell apart and that is when his life began it's decent.

He began drinking heavily and dabbling in other things as well. That is about the time I went to live with him. I idolized him. He was the father figure in my life that I had not had in many years. As his world steadily slid downward he took me along for the ride with him. He was a fighter and seemed to fear nothing. He would often get into fights and seemed to enjoy them. Women loved him and men feared him. Life steadily spiraled downhill for several years until one night when I was 18.

He and I frequently went out to night clubs together. Even though I was not of age nobody ever questioned me because of him. On October 22nd, 1979 he and I were leaving a night club about midnight. When we got in the car and started driving we heard a sound like someone had thrown something at the car. He slammed on the brakes and circled back around and we both got out of the car. When we came around the front of the car gun shots rang out from some trees in the distance in front of us. I took cover behind the car and when the shots stopped I looked for my brother. He had rolled himself underneath the car and as I pulled him out he said he had been shot. I asked him where and he pointed to his stomach. He then appeared to stop breathing. I started to give him mouth to mouth and he pushed me away. He could barely speak but he told me he wasn't going to make it. He then said "take care of mom and the girls" he took another very labored breath and he said "I love you" and that was it. I ran inside the night club and yelled for them to call an ambulance. I ran back out and held him in my lap again until the ambulance arrived. Everything that happened after that is still just a blur.

I am going to stop here for the day. My mind is racing and completely blank at the same time. I will pick up where I left off in my next entry. Thank you for taking the time to read this far. I hope you will continue on this journey with me.